Pastor Joe Fuiten, July 13, 2003

 

 

Scripture Reading:  Genesis 2:21-25

21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. 23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man." 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united[1] to his wife, and they will become one flesh. 25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (NIV)

           

 

In this sermon I am approaching marriage backwards.  I intend to describe some essential elements of marriage that are so significant, its absence actually nullifies the marriage itself.  I have been thinking about the essentials of marriage for a project that I am working on.  I want to develop an annulment process for lay people.  We have one for Assemblies of God ministers but nothing for lay people.

            If we are going to take marriage seriously, then we need to consider imposters.  Just because it shares some common characteristics with marriage does not mean that it is marriage.  This is the failure of those who advocate gay marriage.  They think that two people living together is sufficiently close to actual marriage to call it by the same name.  Even if you have two out of the three legs of a three-legged stool, you still fall down.  Even if you love each other, and are in a committed relationship, it does not constitute marriage because something essential to marriage is missing, namely that marriage, at a minimum, is between a man and a woman.

            Marriage is a lifelong relationship between a man and a woman that is ordained by God.  Entering into marriage requires certain essential elements.  Those who enter into marriage must be free to do so, and must do so freely and fully.  The marriage itself must be lawful for the parties.

            I am told that the Federal Government trains people to spot counterfeit money by having them handle the genuine.  They become so familiar with the genuine that the counterfeit immediately jumps out at them.

 

            For example, a woman wants to get married and have children.  Her boyfriend knows that she wants to have children so he tells her that he wants to have children too, knowing that once they are married, he will make it so it is impossible for them to have children.  He marries her under false pretenses as to his intentions.  Since children are one of the primary purposes of marriage, his deceit on that subject strikes at the root of the marriage itself.  There may be reasons why couples do not have children or cannot have children.  This is not an impediment to marriage by itself.  But deception on the subject, when it would have been decisive to her decision whether or not to marry him, seems to have undermined the reality of the marriage.  She would not need to, but if she should seek an annulment of the marriage, it should be granted to her and she should be free to marry without penalty to herself.   The fraud in an essential element would be the decisive issue.

            In another example involving the issue of children, a couple marries and then they discover they cannot have children.  There are no grounds for an annulment here because they both freely entered into the marriage and this fact was simply not known. 

As a different example, a couple is dating and she tells her finance that she is unable to have children.  If they go ahead and get married, there is no grounds for annulment since they freely entered into the relationship and the essentials are known.

            The principle is, when you get married, you have the right to know the other person at the essential points.  Do we typically know each other?  No.  There are lots of surprises and probably not all of them are pleasant.  Those are covered under “or better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.”  There just can’t be any intentional surprises in the essentials.

            Let me give you one of the examples that made me realize we needed a procedure for lay people.  A woman is a virgin.  She wants to marry a man who is also a virgin.  This is a very important value to her and she would not marry anyone who was not a virgin.  The man she is dating knows this and is not a virgin.  She is very clear what her criteria are.   Worse yet, he is two-timing her at the very time they are engaged.  Once they are married, this is a pattern he continues and they eventually divorce over his unfaithfulness.  Divorce was not the proper answer. Annulment was the proper answer.  I felt bad that there was no process available to her.

            Marital faithfulness is an essential to marriage.  From the very beginning, this was one of God’s standards and it is the one ground that Jesus gave for divorcing.  Obviously, some who have had unfaithful spouses have been able to forgive and have done their best to retain the marriage.  If at all possible, this is desirable.

            This is one of those areas where you would think everyone knows exactly where they stand.  But, do they really?  Are you loyal to your spouse or to your girlfriend or boyfriend for that matter?  Can they count on you?  If faithfulness is an essential, then little acts of faithfulness should be cultivated.  If the small acts of faithfulness are adhered to, there never will be a problem with the “big” acts.

            I am thinking of another case where the woman told me that she woke up on the first day of marriage to a man who had literally changed overnight.  He had been so kind and sweet until the day they were married.  After that he was harsh, unreasonable, critical, and generally a miserable person who couldn’t get along with anyone.  This was at least a social problem that was known to the family but hidden to her.  This was many years ago, but I think I recall that he had been institutionalized for a period of time and this was also kept from her.  They moved away and I don’t know what eventually became of them.  I think I heard that they divorced.  In my mind, this would be a case for consideration in annulment because of deception in an essential element of marriage.

            You cannot drive a person nuts and then try to get an annulment because of insanity.  That would be like a guy killing his parents and then demanding sympathy because he’s an orphan.

            For me the issue was, was this person capable of entering into a marriage relationship and was his incapacity known before they said “I do”?   Was he really free to marry without disclosing his situation?  Marriage is a relationship that requires two adult parties.  If, for mental or emotional reasons a person is not capable of that relationship, they should consider not marrying.  I am certain that probably half of all people are going to need counseling at some point in their life.  It would probably be fair to say that a third of all people will have “mental problems” at one time or another.  That is crudely stated, but I believe you understand what I mean.  The problem is not the mental issues.  Mental issues are not a reason to abandon a marriage nor are they even necessarily reasons not to get married.  The issue would be deception in an essential.

            When you get married, you should expect to provide to someone else a relationship.  They in turn should relate to you.  The goal of marriage is that “these two should be one.”  That involves the sexual relationship as part of it.  But the sexual relationship itself, supposes another kind of social relationship.  It anticipates unity.  The goal is to be united with your spouse.

            These days we try to head off invalid marriages before they go through the pain.  We require testing, counseling, and classes.  We are part of the Eastside Marriage Agreement along with about 200 other ministers.  We try to cover a few of the questions that people too often forget to know.

            One the other hand, you can spend too much time on the negative.  When you focus on the problems that other people have, you pay too little attention to your own.  Who of us who are married people could survive a meticulous inspection done on ourselves?  Everyone brings their baggage with them when they get married.

            As we talk about this kind of a subject, you may discover that your marriage had some weaknesses in it at the very core.  If you can make it work, it is to your credit.  Many people face difficult marriages with enormous courage and calm.  On the other hand, there are some deceptive relationships that are built on a lie and are so far from God’s design it cannot be true.  These are relationships that never were truly marriage.  They shared similarities to marriage.  There may even have been a “bride and groom.”  The trappings of marriage do not make marriage. 

In the end, marriage is a covenant that God has established between a man and a woman.  The parties to the covenant must be free to enter it and must do so freely.  They must not do so inadvertently, or lightly, but soberly and with full appreciation to what they are entering.  Once established on lawful and appropriate grounds, marriage is to be protected and preserved.  Part of how we protect marriage is to shield it from imposters.  No matter what the government may do, marriage will always be what it is.  It is not up for vote or judicial fiat.  God is the one who ordained marriage.  He established the institution in the garden.  (Being an institution is another way of saying that it is beyond the parties involved, that God has established it.)

           

           

 

 

 

 

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